Most of it was with you
by evilbunnies101
Summary: After Cas fell, he began to lose his grip on sanity, and himself. The Winchester boys feel they owe it to the former angel to take care of him for as long as they can. Slight Destiel.


Cas was steadily losing his mind, and there was absolutely nothing they could do about it.

He was entirely human at this point, residing in Jimmy Novak's empty body, and forced to do human things in order to stay alive, made worse by the fact that most of the time, he didn't even know who he was. Sometimes, on very bad days, Dean had to feed Cas himself, and help him into his clothes. Neither of the Winchester's knew why this was happening; maybe it was an after-effect of falling, maybe Jimmy had a genetic predisposition for it. Whatever it was, pills didn't help, and they sure as fuck weren't taking him to a psychiatrist lest all three of them end up in a psyche ward.

Several times they tried to call on Death, to see if they could somehow persuade him to put up a wall as he did with Sam, but it never worked. It was just like the world had forgotten about Cas and the Winchester boys.

There were rare moments when the real Cas shone through, for an hour, maybe more, sometimes even a whole day if they were lucky. He always apologized, which frustrated Dean to no end as his stupid apologies took up precious time with the former angel they barely talked to anymore. It was like, Cas had taken care of the both of them more times than they could count, saved their asses more times than they could count, and the stupid fuck thought they would resent returning a small portion of the favors they could never fully repay.

When it was Cas, the real Cas, they always made sure to do something fun. Stupid stuff that other people did on a regular basis, like going to the movies or a walk in the park, simply because Cas thought they were the best things in the world. He was happy and himself, however fleeting, and the brothers had learned to look away when Cas got that look on his face like he was about to leave.

Dean was always with him, even at his very worst. He read random books aloud to him, anything from classic literature to children's stories. Sometimes, whoever was behind those blue eyes at the time would interrupt Dean to ask about a certain character, sometimes Dean had to shackle him to whatever was available because that person didn't know who Dean was, and this guy was scary, and he wanted to kill him.

"My wings itch," that always came from the tired, broken angel who refused to reveal his name. He wasn't a dick, though; he trusted the brothers and was even friendly with them. This angel was just sad because he couldn't find his garrison and his wings hurt like hell. Dean relaxed this one by scratching his blunt nails across his shoulder blades until the angel was content.

"You've dealt with angels before, I take it?" the sad angel grinned once, slightly.

'Yeah," Dean said, "Yeah, I have."

Sometimes it actually was Cas, but not the one they knew from recent years. He'd wake them up, clad in his tattered trench coat, and inform them that Bobby had called about a case and they needed to get their lazy selves out of bed.

The worst was when he wasn't Cas at all: not past Cas, not real Cas, but different people entirely. The broken angel. The nameless man who was lost and scared, fearful of the two men holding him hostage.

"Do you think maybe it's Jimmy?" Sam asked this a lot, almost like he wanted the terrified man to be. And Dean gave him an answering look that reminded him that Jimmy had left a long, long time ago.

They could never get this man to trust them, no matter how much work they put into their convincing. He was stubborn and proud, and Dean always felt guilty because his eyes were those of a man who felt he deserved more than anything to have a real life. He never stayed for long.

But the one most present was the sad angel whose wings hurt with the pain that burned past physical. Dean didn't know what to call him either, but he loved him. Not in the same way he loved Cas, no, but it would be unfair not to love someone who trusted and confided in someone it went against their nature to. He reminded Dean of Cas in that way, just a little. The broken angel was the only person Dean ever told about his pathetic feelings for the real Cas. He told him stories about Cas that he had told a million times before to nobody, ever: stories that made him laugh or cry or sit back and ponder why exactly the fuck he had to fall in love with the most infuriating being in the world. The broken angel smiled at him sadly because love wasn't something he was familiar with, but this human that took it upon himself to take care of him and nurse his wings deseved it.

Dean always knew when Cas showed up because he looked so different from the others.

One day, after years of the same

"Dean?"

That voice. Dean would recognize it in death. Low pitch, gravelly tones that didn't suit him, not at all, but a voice he wanted to wake up to every morning, forever.

"Cas?" It had been a long time since the brothers had seen him. Close to a year. They'd almost resigned themselves to never see him again, to just carry around the body with multiplle personality disorder because they owed it to both of the men they knew.

"Dean," Cas repeated, "Sam. Hello."

The brothers scrambled to him, touching his shoulders, his hair, looking into his eyes to make sure they were indeed Castiel's eyes.

They looked happy, Castiel thought, relieved. He would never understand why they hadn't disposed of this vessel years ago, keeping it only to catch the occasional glimpse of him. It was incredible.

"I have to go," he said, "It's time for me to go."

"You just got here," Sam returned, face turning white, "We haven't seen you in forever, and you literally just got—"

"I know," Cas interrupted, mouth twitching a little, "I came to say goodbye."

The Winchesters found that confusing, he noticed. Why? He was drained, ready to leave; did they honestly think they could do this forever? Into their old age? Of course not, and the former angel had barely lasted this long, anyway.

"Goodbye?" Dean repeated, his green eyes darting all over Castiel's face, looking for a sign that it was a joke, that it was a fake Cas making shit up to mess with them, anything.

But it wasn't. He knew those eyes. They were sane, calm, distinctly Cas. And Dean couldn't not believe Cas.

"I'm confused," Dean said slowly, still not fully grasping this. Like, what the hell? The guy shows up for the first time since god knows when and within five minutes he's talking about leaving? "Where are you going, Cas? You can't just fly outta here, you haven't got any juice left."

Cas looks at Dean, the man he risked everything for, and the man secretly (or not so secretly, depending on who you talked to) in love with him. The righteous man. The man Heaven prepared for years in advance. The man who was supposed to be Heaven's sword and instead changed everything with nobody but the boy who was meant to be Lucifer's vessel at his side, and a grouchy drunk of a surrogate father. And yet, they succeeded. Cas loved him too, with a love that was selfish and crazy and amazing because it was human.

"Why do I have to go anywhere?" Cas returned, "I've been everywhere anyone could possibly visit. Most of it was with you, so I'm happy."

Dean almost snorted, as if their shit-tastic adventures were anything worth reminiscing about.

The look in Castiel's eyes told him that they were. Crazy sonovabitch.

"Why can't I just…go?" Cas smiled a little, seeming almost excited at the prospect of just…vanishing? Dissapearing? This was insane. All of the former angel's memories, his personality, his quirks, his experiences…it had to go somewhere, right?

"Will we see you?" Dean whispered, not believing that he was going along with this, "After?"

Castiel just smiled, and Dean had his answer.

Shit, Dean thought, He's about to leave…forever? What should I do? I've gotta do something! Say something meaningful!

And Dean wanted to. He wanted to apologize to the scared man who he and his brother shackled to a chair because there was nothing else to do, because they weren't able to let him be a person. He wanted to thank the sad, lost angel for listening. He wanted to go back in time and learn to appreciate the Cas that hunted with them when it wasn't in his goddamned job desrcription. He wanted to say "I love you" for each and every day he never had the courage to. He wanted to jump inside Cas and melt into his bones until they were one.

But in the end, Dean Winchester just settled for goodbye

**Wow, ok. Sorry this wasn't the porn I promised, that's coming soon! Please let me know what you think, I actually cried while writing this, so it affected me somewhat. Though it probably sucks. Please leave a review.**


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